When I was younger I always imagine having children. It was at the very top of things I would love to achieve in life. I’ve always loved babies and young kids and often had an instant connection, even as an older child and teenager myself. Maybe why I loved doing children’s entertaining when I was at drama school and needed a part-time job to help with the bills. When Daddy Long Legs floated the idea of stopping after Caspian, I felt really disappointed. He came at it from a practical perspective; his own age, money and possibilities. Yet I always knew that I wanted at least one more.
I DIDN’T WANT CASPIAN TO BE AN ONLY CHILD
Having grown up basically an only child, I knew that it can be a lonely place. It definitely has its advantages but seeing my step-siblings’ close bond even now in adulthood made me realise that if possible I wanted Caspian to have a brother or sister. When I fell pregnant back in spring of 2017 we didn’t tell him. I felt at two he was too young to understand the early stages and so we waited. When the miscarriage happened at 12 weeks I’m happy we hadn’t. It was hard enough to deal with the heartbreak without having to explain it to someone so young.
As he got a bit older the idea of a baby made his eyes light up. He clocked on to that fact that many of his friends had siblings and he wanted one, too. He was very excited when we announced that Mummy had a baby in her belly. The almost 16 months between the miscarriage and finding out we were expecting again had not been easy. It takes its toll on your mental health and can affect your relationship. My heart goes out to anyone who goes through baby loss whether it’s only a few weeks in or much later. Whether you experience it once or multiple times. It changes you and it can have long-lasting consequences on your family life and connections.
TICKING OFF THE IMPORTANT THINGS
As we walked to school this morning, Orsino in the sling getting rocked to sleep and Caspian jumping in any and all puddles he could find while sheltering under his new Toy Story umbrella I felt so incredibly lucky. Despite the rain, the early start. Walking there with my two boys I knew that I could well and truly tick that top wish of my life list!
